Monday, 15 April 2013

I am Jill's debilitating fear

I am in constant fear of failing. I do work, I do art, and every so often, I kick out something brilliant I'm convinced I fluked. The accolade I get from said piece of work will keep me high for weeks. Or at least, not debilitated by this fear that the work I do just isn't good enough.

I once had a class where the teacher gave us one of those 'no-win' scenarios, and the resulting hypothetical decision we had to make was whether we save a pregnant woman and let 5 others die, or we save 5 others and let the pregnant woman die. You're distracted by the horror of the situation enough to not get the aim of the game. The game is to see whether you're a decision maker. And these games are all well and good when your participants haven't been there, done that and possess every t-shirt going. You could say the games are kind of pointless, because you're assuming a level of ignorance in your players. So you could play the game, really struggle, come to a decision, and not ask why you've been asked to do this in the first place. Or you could guess the game, figure out the answer and tell them exactly what they want to hear.

In a way, it's a game inside the game. In some professions, you need people to do exactly as they're told. You need them to not question, despite their own misgivings on a situation, and just do. But what use are you really when you're able to guess the game? Your only real skill is predicting the test and producing all that's necessary.

This is what I do very well. I never finish unless I know you're gonna be impressed. Which means the motivation to take something as far as it will go isn't my driving force.

This fear that I'm not good enough at what I do for the world, is probably my biggest problem. The heaviest rock I carry, the thickest wall I push against, the steepest incline. It doesn't just prevent me from trying, it comforts me when I'm too scared. I'll retreat back into it and I'll be comforted by this choking feeling that it's not something I can help. If I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough.

But I've decided..

My life is worth more. Time to blinker up.

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