I've heard every single fucking excuse in the fucking book.
I didn't want to hurt you, so I lied.
I do need you around. You're just not what I need all the time.
We're no fun anymore.
I honestly couldn't give two craps about your cowardly excuse for why you would cheat. You did it. You are that person. Accept that, then maybe we can move on.
Except we can't move one, can we. Because you didn't accept that you're this person. The person who could systematically lie to the person you'd already managed to convince could trust you with everything they are.
You didn't just cheat on them. You broke them.
This scenario rings true for relationships of any maturity, and you could say that it's more acceptable in younger people. They're young, naive. They don't know that the things they do to another persons heart are going to keep them damaged and guarded for years to come. And by the same token, the other side doesn't know how to defend themselves against the damages done. They don't know to value trust and mutual respect, or that it is important to work hard at a relationship.
Having had these experiences young, however, they don't necessarily set you up for emotional maturity in a relationship when you're older. Especially when you're on the side that's being cheated on.
The very nature of a serious relationship means that you put more of yourself into it. You put in your safety, you put in everything you're afraid to lose. Because nothing could ever happen to it in the heart of someone who's promised to take care of it forever.
So when you, as a cheater, take all of that and lie and cheat, and you break that ever so important trust, you're a wanker.
But when you set about covering your tracks, and you start to project those vile characteristics you've developed within yourself onto your partner, you're so much more than a wanker. You, with malicious intent, start to emotionally break down another human being because you can't stand to face up to the simple fact that you've decided to not even try to work through why you feel this way. You've decided on whose feelings and whose heart is more important. You're a fucking coward.
Monday, 15 April 2013
I am in constant fear of failing. I do work, I do art, and every so often, I kick out something brilliant I'm convinced I fluked. The accolade I get from said piece of work will keep me high for weeks. Or at least, not debilitated by this fear that the work I do just isn't good enough.
I once had a class where the teacher gave us one of those 'no-win' scenarios, and the resulting hypothetical decision we had to make was whether we save a pregnant woman and let 5 others die, or we save 5 others and let the pregnant woman die. You're distracted by the horror of the situation enough to not get the aim of the game. The game is to see whether you're a decision maker. And these games are all well and good when your participants haven't been there, done that and possess every t-shirt going. You could say the games are kind of pointless, because you're assuming a level of ignorance in your players. So you could play the game, really struggle, come to a decision, and not ask why you've been asked to do this in the first place. Or you could guess the game, figure out the answer and tell them exactly what they want to hear.
In a way, it's a game inside the game. In some professions, you need people to do exactly as they're told. You need them to not question, despite their own misgivings on a situation, and just do. But what use are you really when you're able to guess the game? Your only real skill is predicting the test and producing all that's necessary.
This is what I do very well. I never finish unless I know you're gonna be impressed. Which means the motivation to take something as far as it will go isn't my driving force.
This fear that I'm not good enough at what I do for the world, is probably my biggest problem. The heaviest rock I carry, the thickest wall I push against, the steepest incline. It doesn't just prevent me from trying, it comforts me when I'm too scared. I'll retreat back into it and I'll be comforted by this choking feeling that it's not something I can help. If I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough.
But I've decided..
My life is worth more. Time to blinker up.
Saturday, 6 April 2013
So I'm a Graphic Designer (in training). I've got a bunch of books on the different methods of catching someone's attention. Now they're not all called "How to trick people into buying shit", nor is that written in the foreword, but essentially that's what they are. Whether you're buying something physical or just buying into the idea, whenever you see something that's had design methods used in it, you're being sold something. Being anti-capitalism and a loud advocate of the individuals responsibility for themselves as of a certain age, this realisation was a bit disconcerting.
I've always been a bit intrigued by the "promoted" posts on Twitter and Facebook. Companies (or individuals) can promote their business page or posts, and they will appear on the Feed of someone who doesn't like the group already. There might be all sorts of things like your cookies involved that aim certain products at your page, but I'm not an expert in that.
The Reason this intrigues me is because, basically, I ignore all that shit! I feel a little victory over my own existence that it's not being influenced by Tresemmé or Amazon. I will not like your pages you cosmetic-pushing-unrealistic-idealistic-beauty-advocating-screwing-the-little-man-bus-wankers! I feel better about it. And I thought it was what a good chunk of the population did.
But then I have a real think about it, and think "Well.. they wouldn't do it if it didn't work, right?". Why would they continually pay to promote themselves if all everyone was doing was skipping straight past it. This leads me to the conclusion that people are just clicking like because it's there.
I know that advertising keeps the internet as free as possible. It keeps non profit websites alive, I know it's an aid to some good causes. But I'm seriously concerned when the most popular ads on the internet are "Lose 3 stone in a week!!" or "This stay at home mom earns $1500 a week!!" or the ever classy "Ugly girls need love too..".
If this shit works, there is a genuine method of advertising that goes along the lines of "Right. How can we attract/encourage passive interest for this product. What's a new way that we can play off of the fact that the person we want to click on our ad, isn't really paying attention to what they're doing?" <<This right here, is companies spending money on the fact that you're not paying attention to everything that's being projected at you. You're not paying attention to what your brains absorbing. You let these things that you don't want or need penetrate your psychy and influence your thinking.
Essentially, what you need to do is arm yourself. Don't just idly scroll down your feed not really reading all the feed because its the same old that you read yesterday. Like a load of groups that share and reblog things that aren't in the mainstream news. If you see an ad, read it, then analyse it. They're trying to sell you something. Figure out what it is, then figure out if it's something you need. If it isn't, DON'T BUY IT!